Bows, Spells and Mithril

Hello, my name is Jared Diamondbeard.

And today, I will explain why the history of Middle Earth has unfolded the way it has. Since the beginning of the First Age, men and elves have created more advanced civilizations than orcs. The question is why. Some say that men and orcs are different on this inside. I acknowledge that there are some outward differences between them. They do have different skin texture. But this idea that there are also differences between our inner characteristics, that is just human supremacist, elvish-supremacist nonsense.

There are 3 main explanations for our difference in outcome. All of which are determined by our environments, not the supposed superiority of men.

Firstly, have a look at all the animals that can be domesticated in all the places outside of Mordor. Horses, sheep, pigs, chickens lots of really useful animals. What does Mordor have? Giant rhinoceroses and wargs. And you can’t domesticate these animals. Well, actually you can, but it’s much harder. Have you ever tried to milk a giant rhinoceros? It’s not easy. Is it any wonder that Morder has struggled to develop?

Secondly, there’s a nice big river that travels through Gondor, bringing trade through Osgiliath and also allowing for irrigation, resulting in fertile green landscapes. In contrast, Mordor has no rivers, instead, it has a great big volcano that is spewing ash into the air. It’s a horrible place to try to develop any kind of agriculture. It’s so intellectually dishonest to blame orcs for this when their environment is this challenging.

Finally, look at the map below. Mordor happens to be isolated from the rest of Middle Earth by this big mountain range. Any trade caravan or inventor can easily travel elsewhere. Going through Pelanor fields, through the gap of Rohan, and up to Rivendell. Helping the economies of all these places grow and helping new ideas spread. But if anyone wants to reach Mordor, they have to travel through marches with all these creepy dead people trying to lure them into the water, climb over the mountains of shadow, deal with giant spiders, it’s not an easy job.

So, no matter how you look at it, you see that the orcs are simply victims of circumstance. My theory has answers to all the arguments from the orc realists.

Why do orcs have lower IQs than men or Elves? Lead poisoning from mount doom. Also, Mordor’s education system is underfunded. This leads to poverty which then leads to poor investment in education for the following generation, it’s a vicious cycle.

Why did things go bad in Moria when the Goblins took over? Because the Dwarf colonists exploited the natural resources of the area by mining out huge amounts of mithril. And they released the Balrog.

Why do orcs commit more crime than men or elves? Because there’s an unfortunate stereotype that orcs are dangerous, so the Rohirrum and the Guards of the Citadel discriminate against them. And they stab unarmed orcs for no reason. The picture below shows the aftermath of a peaceful orc being stabbed, by a hateful hobbit. If the orcs were treated well, their crime rate would be the same as ours.

Now I’m going to write about the terrible consequences that come from disagreeing with me.

A few years ago, king Theoden of Rohan, was an excellent ruler who displayed a tremendous amount of courage. His picture can be seen below

He showed compassion to the Uruk Hai refugees who were coming into his kingdom for a better life, deciding not to fight them. He did this because he received wise counsel from wormtongue who informed him that him that we are all the same inside (I suspect that wormtongue has read my articles).

Meanwhile, Aomir and the Rohirrum were spreading orcaphobic hate speech, saying that they are killing huge numbers of people and that we should stop them. It was very problematic language that they were using. I don’t deny that the Urak Hai were burning some villages but the Rohirrum were just completely exaggerating how bad the problem was, so the king banished Aomir for incitement to violence. A move which I strongly supported.

Then Aragorn and Gandalf turned up and they ruined everything. Obviously, these two idiots haven’t read my book yet. Aragorn claimed that the Uruk Hai are forming an army to destroy the world of men. This is known as the Human genocide conspiracy theory which has been debunked by me and my fellow academics at the library of Minas Tirith. Gandalf also spread lies and corrupted Theoden, who started thinking of the orcs as the “other” and began fighting against them.

In response, I organized protests in Edoras. We were chanting things like “say it loud, say it clear, Uruk Hai are welcome here!” and “hey hey, ho ho, the Rohirrim have got to go!” you know, all the classics. But nobody listened to us. Many people even ran over us with their horses when we tried to block the streets. What has this country come to? Many orcs would suffer as a result and it’s so heartbreaking. The picture below shows one of my supporters, who was brutally thrown down some stairs, simply for speaking up on behalf of the orcs

.Meanwhile, look at Gondor. Orcs recently captured the Eastern shore of Osgiliath. My response was, “why is that such a big deal? 3000 years ago, Numanorian refugees settled in the area. These people helped build the country. The early kingdom was inhabited by both Middle men and the Dunedein, diversity was its strength. So why get concerned about this latest wave of newcomers?” Besides, night attacks from hostile flotillas are just part and parcel of living in a big city. Faramir and his band of narrow-minded vigilantes are always complaining about how Osgiliath is 50% orc now, and that in a few years, they’ll take the Western shore and it will be 100% orc. These guys need to get a life, The only difference between us is skin texture. If the founding fathers, Elindil and Esildur could see what Faramir was doing, they would be ashamed of him. Also, the city is depopulated anyway and the orcs will help the economy grow. Growing economies is really important.

So, in conclusion, what do I think we need to do?

Firstly, I would imprison people like Faramir and Eomir. These far right individuals are spreading division and fear and must be stopped. By the way, I know that Eomir has asked me to debate him, but I refuse, I simply refuse to debate someone so full of hate.

Secondly, the dwarves need to pay the goblins reparations for extracting too much mithril during colonization and for releasing the Balrog.

Thirdly, we all just need to realise that we’re all the same inside.

Fourthly, Men and Elves need to put more money into orc education programs and it’s also their responsibility to find a way to stop the lead coming out of Mount Doom.

And finally, the men and elves need to return all the priceless artifacts that they stole from the orcs. Including the ring of power. There won’t be any healing until they do this.